Ground hog day in lockdown. Dreams of Ellie Rowe, my dear friend who we lost when we were young, cling to the day.
At first today felt new and exciting; to be out among Saturday bustle but the coming home, back to where I’ve been all day, every day was like entering a fog. Seeing life, only makes me feel more aware of how much life has been taken away by the pandemic. And then this fog turned into feeling life being taken away in the more literal sense.
8th March, the monthly anniversary of Ellie Rowe’s death, arrives this year with International Women’s Day and I can’t help but wonder and mourn the woman who Ellie could have been. The discussions of intersectional feminism, American politics and climate change that would have taken place as we learned and grew. But, she stays forever at 18. Somewhere between maturity and naiveté. Stuck in a world that has yet to see so much.
Then I took to ‘It’s A Sin’, just to really hammer in that grief. The generation lost. The beautiful, joyful people not allowed to grow old and pass that on. An era of such change, music, freedom, dance and love. But also, an era of oppression and devastation.
Then I think to my own sexuality. How it’s grown and changed through the years. The fight against labels to only end up needing one more than I realised. The trauma I’ve received from men, begging the question how much that might be steering me towards women. I don’t really know the answers. But, I do know that I want to dance among queer fellows, feeling and spreading love. I’m yearning to reach and express my truest form. In whatever layered, mixed configuration that comes in.
Which leads to the initial fog. The dissatisfaction of being inside. The grief of losing time, the desperation to push beyond the boundaries. The love and the loss.
Love to all x